Bethesda

Enough. Enough. Too much is enough.

More time than I believe in - more time than enough time combined. Yes - after all this, it's time. What should it be like? Tall tall buildings, walking down streets. Not like this. I'm so tired of this - FUCK this. One more. Only one more. Hold out if you can. If not, too bad.

Cold, by the river. Hudson? Seine? Victoria? Thames? Oh hell, does it matter? I have, right here, a stream that doesn't flow. This becomes nothing more than a map - marked up with all the places I've been, all the places I've wanted to go to. But the most beautiful thing is the block of green that exists in the middle of it all. Somewhere between 72nd and 110th. I walked all that way. I walked all that was in between. I walked all and still that was not enough.

Cold, cold, cold. But that didn't matter. Strange ignorings but that altogether is nothing. Have you ever had your breath completely taken away? Been so in awe that you just had to stop. DEAD. in your tracks? Forgotten things such as time and space? Felt how small you were? It's in the morning. It's true - life has disguised itself as a piece of stone in the middle of somewhere you stumble upon. I would give everything to forget time and space all over again.

More days...all I needed was more days. Arriving. Everything stilled in a frozen state of ice. The ripples of movement that didn't move. Can we even begin to try to describe such a thing? Landing in the place where, inherently in your bones, you know you're supposed to be. Yes, we are that small. Leaving. Miss the rain. Miss the cold. Miss the wake up, walk out, come back home.

$4.95. A meal for the street...though not who we intended it for. A street in front of posters and rows and rows and rows of things we want to pay attention to but which become subsumed under the air around us. "Please help". But disappear. I want to go back and buy a book - a yellowed book...thumbed through, old, tattered, torn. Retorts. So much that there are no more retorts to retort. 6 days familiar -maybe all your life familiar. That's telling - THIS is it.

So, enough. Enough. And tell me this - should we admit to the lie we told? It's a lie...but perhaps the most beautiful lie in our lifetime.

Dear Bethesda: I Love You more than words can say.