Ain't That Enough

I decided to stay up until 6am so I could go out and see the sunrise. After all, I had just finished reading "Thousand Cranes" and had spent the night listening to Teenage Fanclub's "Ain't that Enough?" on repeat, so it seemed almost sacrilegious to NOT stay up for the sunrise.

Maybe I'd lie on the grass and look up. I don't do that very often. I walked out and, of course, the sprinklers have just been on. Everything is fucking wet.

Of course.

So I took one on the patio instead. By now, the white had disappeared completely and instead, it's all green. I fucking hate that shade of green. I still sit out there though and look up. It's not white anymore but it's still better than a lot of things. And then I start to remember back when it was cold. When I thought this could possibly be the greatest thing to have happened to me. I was sitting there as well and I was looking at the same thing. But back then, there was nothing at all. No white, not even a little bit of green. And I was thinking that my fingers would freeze away. But it was beautiful anyways and I stayed out there. And when I see a layer of white rise up between me and the air, for some reason, it’s a little comforting.

And for a while, I developed this horrible horrible habit.

All I wanted to do was to own a typewriter and write something about nothing; to drink coffee until I could permanently taste it in the back of my mouth; to take them until I could smell them off my fingers. How disgusting. And at one point, I even became tempted to offer to buy a drink for someone off the street and invite them to sit down and talk to me.

That’s when I decided I'd go. 2 more years and then I'd go. The back of my hands started to look a little strange after a while but it didn't matter because I'd decided I'd go. And everything that happened all seemed to matter again though I’m not sure whether that's good or not.

I didn't end up seeing the sunrise after all. But it's all good: I never was too impressed by them anyways.

(6.02am)